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moose_mcmooseHaha this was ALSO meant to be a drabble/ficlet for a meme but it's turned into some long winded 1500+ word thing. Never mind.
Written using this prompt from![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
hibernia1 -House bitching and moaning about ice and snow keeping him from going places, as cripples do, and Wilson coming up with a perfect plan to make sure he can get somewhere he really wants to go anyway
Title: Cripples Don't Do Snow
Characters: House, Wilson. (slashy if you have your goggles on)
Rating: R - some bad language, penis mocking and cold House and Wilson
Words: 1984
Disclaimer: I don't own them. A shame, as then I could buy some new jeans.
Summary: House was bored, and Wilson hated it when House was bored.
For Wilson, this was a pretty welcome day off even if it wasn't exactly a planned one. The blizzard of snow overnight had made quick work of their street and the surrounding areas in Princeton. There was no public transport, roads were blocked from falling power lines and mounds of snow, even the nearby interstate had all but come to stand still after several lorries jack-knifed their way across the tarmac. Wilson was loving it, the peace, the calm, the chance to do nothing for a change instead of running around like a headless chicken, files in hand. But Wilson could see House was agitated by the fact he couldn't do anything. The snow and the ice practically left him housebound, unable to do anything constructive and go anywhere without the worry of injuring himself and causing himself greater pain.
House was bored, and Wilson hated it when House was bored.
"This is fucking ridiculous. Doesn't God understand that cripples don't do snow?"
"I thought you didn't believe in God."
"I don't. But he exists when I want to blame somebody for something and you're not around." House traced a finger across the condensation on the window, drawing a remarkably detailed penis on the glass. "Same happens on Christmas morning when I don't wake up with a hooker on my lap. Santa Clause gets some serious attitude."
Wilson was eating eggs, sunny side up to be more specific, and peeling through the first few pages of the morning newspaper. "Did you draw a dick on the window?"
"A anatomically perfect dick at that."
"Your dick's a foot long?" He shovelled a lump of vivid yellow yolk into his mouth and savoured the taste. It made a welcome change from the hastily mauled toast he'd been recently dining on every morning before work. "And you have precisely three hairs on your left testicle?"
"I never said it was based on my dick. If it was mine it would be bigger and have more girth." House added another few hairs, this time to the right testicle. "If it was based on yours, we'd need a microscope to see it and it wouldn't have it's coat on." House limped to the next window. "I could draw yours if you like."
Wilson bellowed, egg white rolling around his tongue. "No, no. I don't want a tapestry of dicks on my windows. I'm pretty sure there are kids living the apartment opposite so I don't think their parents would appreciate it anyway."
House slumped theatrically. "Party pooper." He hobbled around the floor, spinning his cane, sighing and huffing loudly around the table and into Wilson's ear. "Wanna watch some porn?"
"Um...it's nine in the morning. Even I'm not that desperate." Wilson ruffled the newspaper, hoping to convey some sense to House that he was trying to read.
"There's never a bad time for porn."
Wilson dropped his head behind the newspaper. "Look...just read a medical journal. One of those ones that you stuck dirty pictures into the middle of."
"How the hell did you know about those?"
"I didn't. Now I do though." Wilson chuckled, folded the newspaper in half and settled it on the table. He scooped up his plate and padded towards the sink. "What do you want to do?"
"I dunno. Something." House followed into the kitchen space and rummaged through the fridge for something worthy of his breakfast. "I hate this fucking snow." A few slices of ham seemed sufficient, so he yanked those free from the plastic wrapping and stuffed them into his mouth. "Especially when I need to be somewhere."
"Work can wait till tomorrow. Cuddy gave us the day off and you don't even have a case."
"It's not that." House mumbled between a slice of ham.
"Therapist's appointment?" Wilson scrubbed the yolk from the plate. "I'm pretty sure Nolan would understand if you missed it today."
House shifted his weight uncomfortably. "It's nothing. It doesn't matter."
Wilson narrowed his eyes. This gave a whole new facet to House's pissy nature this morning. He had just thought House was pissed at the snow in general, now he knows there's a specific issue. This is where his perfectly honed nagging skills could come in useful. "It obviously does matter because you're about ten times grumpier than usual. You've already mocked my penis and that doesn't usually happen till lunchtime. So come on. What is it? Maybe I can help."
"If I needed a problem to be nagged or lectured away then you would be my guy, but unless you have the ability to manipulate fire and melt all the snow and ice away then I'm pretty sure you are of no use at all."
Wilson shrugged. "I mean if you need me to get you something from the store then--"
"I need to get it from the store."
"But I can--"
"No. I ordered it. I need to get it." House gritted his teeth, trying to conceal the urge to smack Wilson in mouth.
"I can go for--"
"It's meant to be a surprise!" House slammed his hand down on the arm of the sofa. "And it's been ruined thanks to your nagging and this damn snow."
Wilson froze, taken aback by House's sudden outburst. "Um... what is it?"
House grumbled under his breath what Wilson assumed were expletives. "I ordered a new TV. That 52 inch flat screen you had your eye on."
"Are you serious?" Wilson's eyebrows rose to almost meet his hairline. "That was an expensive TV. You bought it?"
"Yes. And I was going to drive down and pick it up this morning."
Wilson threw his arms limply in the air. "House...I mean...I dunno what to say."
"Nothing. It doesn't matter."
"You know what? I have an idea." Wilson dashed to his bedroom and emerged with his coat, hat, gloves and a white plastic bag. He wandered to the kitchen and pulled out three containers of table salt, a wise purchase he had made only days previous, and stuffed them into the bag. "I'll be...a couple of hours. Don't go anywhere."
"Like I can anyway."
************************************************
Wilson was true to his word, kind of. He was a little later than he expected but he was back, fingers and toes intact, only the flakes of snow on his shoulders and a very red nose indicating he had been wandering out in the cold.
House had made himself comfortable in the couch, his legs splaying underneath the coffee table, head almost halfway down the back of couch, and his attentions turned to a very lame looking made-for-TV movie. Some blonde chick suing some dark haired weiner for custody of their badly dressed child.
"I'm back."
The cheeriness in Wilson's voice made House die inside just a little bit. "Great." He grumbled sarcastically.
Wilson grabbed a coat and gloves and tossed them onto House's lap. "Come on. You do wanna pick up that TV don't you?"
"I'm not going out in that. I can't. Do you have selective hearing or something? Hello?"
Wilson sniffed and swiped a hand under his dripping nose. "I've sorted it. It's fine. Come on."
House groaned before, begrudgingly shrugging his coat onto his back and pulling on his gloves. "Did you buy a hovercraft or something?"
"How did you guess a had a hovercraft salesman on speed dial?" Wilson stepped out in the corridor and beckoned House to follow. The hobbling man did so, locking the door behind him.
"What the hell is that?" House gazed down in horror at what was on the end of a piece of thick, red string trailing from Wilson's hand.
"It's a sledge."
"This is your brilliant idea? Dragging me about on a sledge." House looked thoroughly disgusted, like a small dog had just took a dump on his favourite sneakers.
"What? No. The sledge is for the TV." Wilson pulled the front door of the building open with his foot and shoved the sledge out the door in front of him onto the sidewalk. "Now don't worry. I tried to do the whole sidewalk but there maybe little bits that I missed out. Hopefully not too much. But if you walk in the middle of the sidewalk you should be fine."
House limped down the stairs and carefully planted his good leg onto the sidewalk first to minimise the risk of slipping on the ice. Or where the ice used to be. He found the pavement strangely crunchy underfoot and not slippery at all. He looked at the concrete and then cast a glance left up the street. The entire sidewalk was clear, the two feet of treacherous snow and ice had virtually vanished. Out the corner of his eye he could see Wilson's smug little grin, just waiting for some acknowledgement of his hard work. "You shovelled the entire sidewalk?"
He raised his index finger. "And salted."
"Do you get off on punishing yourself or something? Who does that?"
"A man who was expecting a little more gratitude." Wilson stuck his hands on his hips. "No 'thank you Wilson' or anything?"
House blinked, his mouth hanging gormlessly open, like Wilson had just uttered in some mystical language that he had little concept of.
"I nearly put my back out doing this you know." Wilson huffed and began pulling the sledge up the sidewalk. "I salted all the way to the store."
Now that, House was not expecting. He thought Wilson had only bothered with their street, but no, that bizarre, self-sacrificing idiot had shovelled and salted the sidewalk all the way to the store. Again, he finds himself thinking who the hell would do that to themselves. But then he reminds himself that this was Wilson. And it was a known fact that Wilson was an idiot. A sensitive idiot at that.
He cupped a hand around his mouth and shouts up the street. "Stop huffing you big girl." He limped at a reasonable pace to catch up with Wilson, who was ambling in a little more deflated fashion than usual, probably due to the cold and House's inability to say thank you without wrapping it in some sarcastic mesh first. He nudged Wilson with his arm. "If your looking for a giant hug and a song and dance number then you've got the wrong guy."
Wilson had that wounded puppy look when he met House's eyes. "I know... just...okay...yeah."
"Well that made a lot of sense."
Wilson sniggered before pulling his hat further over his ears as the biting chill numbed his ears. "God it's cold."
"All the more reason to get our asses moving and get the TV home." They quickened their pace around the block, House walking just in front of Wilson to make sure he covered the most salted part of the ground. "So what do you wanna watch when we get home? Debbie Does Dallas? Beetlejism? Jurassic Pork?"
"Does it have to be porn?"
"Yes."
Wilson sighed in defeat. "Fine. Debbie Does Dallas it is."
"Do you really wanna watch Debbie Does Dallas?"
"No. Not really. But you did buy this TV. It's only right that you pop it's cherry."
House glared. "Don't ever do that again."
"What?"
"Apply a sex metaphor to a flat screen TV. That's my job."
Wilson rolled his eyes. "Oh I'm sorry boss."
"You know what?" House saw Wilson's eyebrows twitch for an answer. "We don't have to watch Debbie Does Dallas."
"Okay." Wilson uttered, expecting a crude suggestion to watch a slightly more niche piece of pornography.
"We can put one of your overly long Hitchcock movies on. I'm sure they'll look great on a giant flat screen TV." House was pleased with his efforts at not sounding ridiculously sarcastic, and Wilson seemed enamoured with his suggestion.
And so he should have been, because House decided that was his thankful deed done for that day.
Written using this prompt from
hibernia1 -House bitching and moaning about ice and snow keeping him from going places, as cripples do, and Wilson coming up with a perfect plan to make sure he can get somewhere he really wants to go anywayTitle: Cripples Don't Do Snow
Characters: House, Wilson. (slashy if you have your goggles on)
Rating: R - some bad language, penis mocking and cold House and Wilson
Words: 1984
Disclaimer: I don't own them. A shame, as then I could buy some new jeans.
Summary: House was bored, and Wilson hated it when House was bored.
For Wilson, this was a pretty welcome day off even if it wasn't exactly a planned one. The blizzard of snow overnight had made quick work of their street and the surrounding areas in Princeton. There was no public transport, roads were blocked from falling power lines and mounds of snow, even the nearby interstate had all but come to stand still after several lorries jack-knifed their way across the tarmac. Wilson was loving it, the peace, the calm, the chance to do nothing for a change instead of running around like a headless chicken, files in hand. But Wilson could see House was agitated by the fact he couldn't do anything. The snow and the ice practically left him housebound, unable to do anything constructive and go anywhere without the worry of injuring himself and causing himself greater pain.
House was bored, and Wilson hated it when House was bored.
"This is fucking ridiculous. Doesn't God understand that cripples don't do snow?"
"I thought you didn't believe in God."
"I don't. But he exists when I want to blame somebody for something and you're not around." House traced a finger across the condensation on the window, drawing a remarkably detailed penis on the glass. "Same happens on Christmas morning when I don't wake up with a hooker on my lap. Santa Clause gets some serious attitude."
Wilson was eating eggs, sunny side up to be more specific, and peeling through the first few pages of the morning newspaper. "Did you draw a dick on the window?"
"A anatomically perfect dick at that."
"Your dick's a foot long?" He shovelled a lump of vivid yellow yolk into his mouth and savoured the taste. It made a welcome change from the hastily mauled toast he'd been recently dining on every morning before work. "And you have precisely three hairs on your left testicle?"
"I never said it was based on my dick. If it was mine it would be bigger and have more girth." House added another few hairs, this time to the right testicle. "If it was based on yours, we'd need a microscope to see it and it wouldn't have it's coat on." House limped to the next window. "I could draw yours if you like."
Wilson bellowed, egg white rolling around his tongue. "No, no. I don't want a tapestry of dicks on my windows. I'm pretty sure there are kids living the apartment opposite so I don't think their parents would appreciate it anyway."
House slumped theatrically. "Party pooper." He hobbled around the floor, spinning his cane, sighing and huffing loudly around the table and into Wilson's ear. "Wanna watch some porn?"
"Um...it's nine in the morning. Even I'm not that desperate." Wilson ruffled the newspaper, hoping to convey some sense to House that he was trying to read.
"There's never a bad time for porn."
Wilson dropped his head behind the newspaper. "Look...just read a medical journal. One of those ones that you stuck dirty pictures into the middle of."
"How the hell did you know about those?"
"I didn't. Now I do though." Wilson chuckled, folded the newspaper in half and settled it on the table. He scooped up his plate and padded towards the sink. "What do you want to do?"
"I dunno. Something." House followed into the kitchen space and rummaged through the fridge for something worthy of his breakfast. "I hate this fucking snow." A few slices of ham seemed sufficient, so he yanked those free from the plastic wrapping and stuffed them into his mouth. "Especially when I need to be somewhere."
"Work can wait till tomorrow. Cuddy gave us the day off and you don't even have a case."
"It's not that." House mumbled between a slice of ham.
"Therapist's appointment?" Wilson scrubbed the yolk from the plate. "I'm pretty sure Nolan would understand if you missed it today."
House shifted his weight uncomfortably. "It's nothing. It doesn't matter."
Wilson narrowed his eyes. This gave a whole new facet to House's pissy nature this morning. He had just thought House was pissed at the snow in general, now he knows there's a specific issue. This is where his perfectly honed nagging skills could come in useful. "It obviously does matter because you're about ten times grumpier than usual. You've already mocked my penis and that doesn't usually happen till lunchtime. So come on. What is it? Maybe I can help."
"If I needed a problem to be nagged or lectured away then you would be my guy, but unless you have the ability to manipulate fire and melt all the snow and ice away then I'm pretty sure you are of no use at all."
Wilson shrugged. "I mean if you need me to get you something from the store then--"
"I need to get it from the store."
"But I can--"
"No. I ordered it. I need to get it." House gritted his teeth, trying to conceal the urge to smack Wilson in mouth.
"I can go for--"
"It's meant to be a surprise!" House slammed his hand down on the arm of the sofa. "And it's been ruined thanks to your nagging and this damn snow."
Wilson froze, taken aback by House's sudden outburst. "Um... what is it?"
House grumbled under his breath what Wilson assumed were expletives. "I ordered a new TV. That 52 inch flat screen you had your eye on."
"Are you serious?" Wilson's eyebrows rose to almost meet his hairline. "That was an expensive TV. You bought it?"
"Yes. And I was going to drive down and pick it up this morning."
Wilson threw his arms limply in the air. "House...I mean...I dunno what to say."
"Nothing. It doesn't matter."
"You know what? I have an idea." Wilson dashed to his bedroom and emerged with his coat, hat, gloves and a white plastic bag. He wandered to the kitchen and pulled out three containers of table salt, a wise purchase he had made only days previous, and stuffed them into the bag. "I'll be...a couple of hours. Don't go anywhere."
"Like I can anyway."
************************************************
Wilson was true to his word, kind of. He was a little later than he expected but he was back, fingers and toes intact, only the flakes of snow on his shoulders and a very red nose indicating he had been wandering out in the cold.
House had made himself comfortable in the couch, his legs splaying underneath the coffee table, head almost halfway down the back of couch, and his attentions turned to a very lame looking made-for-TV movie. Some blonde chick suing some dark haired weiner for custody of their badly dressed child.
"I'm back."
The cheeriness in Wilson's voice made House die inside just a little bit. "Great." He grumbled sarcastically.
Wilson grabbed a coat and gloves and tossed them onto House's lap. "Come on. You do wanna pick up that TV don't you?"
"I'm not going out in that. I can't. Do you have selective hearing or something? Hello?"
Wilson sniffed and swiped a hand under his dripping nose. "I've sorted it. It's fine. Come on."
House groaned before, begrudgingly shrugging his coat onto his back and pulling on his gloves. "Did you buy a hovercraft or something?"
"How did you guess a had a hovercraft salesman on speed dial?" Wilson stepped out in the corridor and beckoned House to follow. The hobbling man did so, locking the door behind him.
"What the hell is that?" House gazed down in horror at what was on the end of a piece of thick, red string trailing from Wilson's hand.
"It's a sledge."
"This is your brilliant idea? Dragging me about on a sledge." House looked thoroughly disgusted, like a small dog had just took a dump on his favourite sneakers.
"What? No. The sledge is for the TV." Wilson pulled the front door of the building open with his foot and shoved the sledge out the door in front of him onto the sidewalk. "Now don't worry. I tried to do the whole sidewalk but there maybe little bits that I missed out. Hopefully not too much. But if you walk in the middle of the sidewalk you should be fine."
House limped down the stairs and carefully planted his good leg onto the sidewalk first to minimise the risk of slipping on the ice. Or where the ice used to be. He found the pavement strangely crunchy underfoot and not slippery at all. He looked at the concrete and then cast a glance left up the street. The entire sidewalk was clear, the two feet of treacherous snow and ice had virtually vanished. Out the corner of his eye he could see Wilson's smug little grin, just waiting for some acknowledgement of his hard work. "You shovelled the entire sidewalk?"
He raised his index finger. "And salted."
"Do you get off on punishing yourself or something? Who does that?"
"A man who was expecting a little more gratitude." Wilson stuck his hands on his hips. "No 'thank you Wilson' or anything?"
House blinked, his mouth hanging gormlessly open, like Wilson had just uttered in some mystical language that he had little concept of.
"I nearly put my back out doing this you know." Wilson huffed and began pulling the sledge up the sidewalk. "I salted all the way to the store."
Now that, House was not expecting. He thought Wilson had only bothered with their street, but no, that bizarre, self-sacrificing idiot had shovelled and salted the sidewalk all the way to the store. Again, he finds himself thinking who the hell would do that to themselves. But then he reminds himself that this was Wilson. And it was a known fact that Wilson was an idiot. A sensitive idiot at that.
He cupped a hand around his mouth and shouts up the street. "Stop huffing you big girl." He limped at a reasonable pace to catch up with Wilson, who was ambling in a little more deflated fashion than usual, probably due to the cold and House's inability to say thank you without wrapping it in some sarcastic mesh first. He nudged Wilson with his arm. "If your looking for a giant hug and a song and dance number then you've got the wrong guy."
Wilson had that wounded puppy look when he met House's eyes. "I know... just...okay...yeah."
"Well that made a lot of sense."
Wilson sniggered before pulling his hat further over his ears as the biting chill numbed his ears. "God it's cold."
"All the more reason to get our asses moving and get the TV home." They quickened their pace around the block, House walking just in front of Wilson to make sure he covered the most salted part of the ground. "So what do you wanna watch when we get home? Debbie Does Dallas? Beetlejism? Jurassic Pork?"
"Does it have to be porn?"
"Yes."
Wilson sighed in defeat. "Fine. Debbie Does Dallas it is."
"Do you really wanna watch Debbie Does Dallas?"
"No. Not really. But you did buy this TV. It's only right that you pop it's cherry."
House glared. "Don't ever do that again."
"What?"
"Apply a sex metaphor to a flat screen TV. That's my job."
Wilson rolled his eyes. "Oh I'm sorry boss."
"You know what?" House saw Wilson's eyebrows twitch for an answer. "We don't have to watch Debbie Does Dallas."
"Okay." Wilson uttered, expecting a crude suggestion to watch a slightly more niche piece of pornography.
"We can put one of your overly long Hitchcock movies on. I'm sure they'll look great on a giant flat screen TV." House was pleased with his efforts at not sounding ridiculously sarcastic, and Wilson seemed enamoured with his suggestion.
And so he should have been, because House decided that was his thankful deed done for that day.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 08/02/2010 06:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 08/02/2010 06:31 pm (UTC)A mem !?!? And a pimp!?!? I'm being spoiled...again!!!
Cheers for reading and commenting XD Always appreciated.
no subject
Date: 15/02/2010 08:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 08/02/2010 07:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 08/02/2010 08:58 pm (UTC)Glad you enjoyed. Thanks for reading and commenting XD
no subject
Date: 08/02/2010 07:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 08/02/2010 09:00 pm (UTC)Cheers for reading and commenting XD
no subject
Date: 08/02/2010 07:25 pm (UTC)Hooch ;)
no subject
Date: 08/02/2010 09:03 pm (UTC)Cheers for reading and commenting XD Much appreciated.
no subject
Date: 08/02/2010 11:15 pm (UTC)He cupped a hand around his mouth and shouts up the street. "Stop huffing you big girl.
Somehow with House this comes out as a term of endearment! :)
Just curious about the word "sledge" - do you pronounce the "ge" portion in British English, or is it silent?
no subject
Date: 08/02/2010 11:19 pm (UTC)Haha. I think with House and Wilson... 'term of abuse = term of endearment'
Glad you enjoyed. Cheers for reading and commenting XD
no subject
Date: 08/02/2010 11:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 08/02/2010 11:39 pm (UTC)Thanks for reading and commenting XD
no subject
Date: 09/02/2010 12:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 09/02/2010 08:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 09/02/2010 01:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 09/02/2010 08:45 am (UTC)Glad you enjoyed it.
Cheers for reading and commenting XD
no subject
Date: 09/02/2010 03:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 09/02/2010 08:48 am (UTC)Glad you enjoyed. Cheers for reading and commenting XD
no subject
Date: 09/02/2010 10:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 09/02/2010 05:10 pm (UTC)Cheers for reading and commenting.
no subject
Date: 09/03/2010 05:35 pm (UTC)Good job!
no subject
Date: 09/03/2010 06:27 pm (UTC)Much appreciated!! XD
(And great icon btw!)