Ways And Means

[moose_mcmoose]

Another apology from me for writing another depressing drabble. I'm blaming the fact I haven't had a pizza in weeks. *yearns*

I am off to get some good old chocolate after this though so a win for me.

Title: Ways and Means
Rating: Pg-13/R/who knows
Characters: Wilson
Words: 321
Summary: sick!Wilson. Short, not sweet and a bit depressing. No character death though so hooray for that.

 

What's odd is that you could swallow the whole tube of pills now and this would all be over.

 

But you don't want to die. You just want the turmoil to subside, even if it's for the briefest of moments, so you can feel what is like to smile without it betraying what you feel underneath.

 

You pour the pills onto the coffee table.

 

You don't know if that is possible any more. The edges around that carefully constructed, gentle, caring persona you have conjured have become so blurred that you don't know where you actually begin.

 

That's what depresses you the most. You don't know who you are, who you were or who you have been.

 

You're a series of characters. You pick and choose them to suit your purpose. Each one has their own shirt and tie combination hanging regally in your closet.

 

Sometimes if you're feeling that little less tense than usual you mix it up a bit. Maybe combine that ugly green tie with that ugly checked shirt or perhaps buy a different shirt all together. It happens but only occasionally.

 

A harsh, bitter laugh escapes your lips as you bring your balled fist down on the pills, crushing them into a gritty white powder

 

You're pathetic. Off the pills you're depressed, on the pills you're depressed.

 

You know they aren't working any more so what's the use in taking them.

 

At least when you're off them you have an excuse to be miserable. You'd rather be drug-free and miserable.

 

In your eyes that is better than being drug-dependent and more depressed due to the drugs not working because you're so fucked up you're beyond help.

 

That's your thought for now anyway.

 

You scoop the crushed pills from the table and pour them down the sink, running the water to clear the dust away.

 

For now it's fine. You're calm and you're accepting it.

 

You know this won't last though.

Comments

[srsly-yes.livejournal.com]

This is very sad, and a lot to absorb in such a short fic. Thanks for sharing.

[moose-mcmoose.livejournal.com]

It is :( Sorry about that. I tried my upmost not to ramble in case it just padded the fic instead of adding to it.

Thanks for reading and commenting (oh and cheers for the sick!Wilson rec. Much appreciated :D)

[srsly-yes.livejournal.com]

Don't be sorry. Why ramble and obscure the point? There was just enough.

If you don't mind, I'll keep on rec'ing your fics to sick!Wilson (like this one?), unless someone beats me to it, or you start posting to that comm.

Sorry, I'm still running behind on my reading.

[moose-mcmoose.livejournal.com]

Feel free to rec. I still feel a little too fragile to post to the comms yet. I've seen a few folk get lambasted which has put me off slightly. So I'm happy with the nice recs for the moment :D

I'm just happy people are reading and enjoying them. :)

[lorib12.livejournal.com]

Very poignant and so very true. Wilson is just as screwed up as House in his own way and you captured that beautifully here. Love the shirt and tie combo to match the mood; so very Wilson. Thanks so much for sharing, that was perfect :)

[moose-mcmoose.livejournal.com]

I honestly hadn't planned the tie/shirt thing when I was considering writing this, it just sort of popped up while I was writing the first few lines.

"...that was perfect" :D I have much love for this statement.

Thanks for commenting and for reading :D

[christikat.livejournal.com]

There were a lot of lines I really liked but this one especially:
"You're a series of characters. You pick and choose them to suit your purpose. Each one has their own shirt and tie combination hanging regally in your closet."

Very sad story but also very well written. Thanks for sharing.

[moose-mcmoose.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the kind comments and I really like the line too. It took a bit of shifting to get just right though.

Glad you enjoyed and thanks for reading and commenting :)

[hibernia1.livejournal.com]

What a insightful story about Wilson, truly love it! I love the way you managed to convey so much in such a short story. Thanks for sharing!

[moose-mcmoose.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked. The nice feedback makes me all fuzzy inside :D

Thanks for taking your time out to read and comment

[rivercrossing2.livejournal.com]

The realism in this fic is both haunting and breathtaking. It makes my heart ache for Wilson throughout.

"But you don't want to die. You just want the turmoil to subside, even if it's for the briefest of moments, so you can feel what is like to smile without it betraying what you feel underneath.

You don't know if that is possible any more. The edges around that carefully constructed, gentle, caring persona you have conjured have become so blurred that you don't know where you actually begin."

These paragraphs are very true to depression. It's a hard feeling to describe and you explain it very well.

PS: you're an oustanding writer and I look forward to reading more of your work.

PPS: Can I friend you?

[moose-mcmoose.livejournal.com]

Thank very much. You comments are seriously appreciated. I'm glad you find the portrayal realistic. It has helped the fact that I knew a couple of people who suffer from it so I have had contact with illness.

PS: I'm so glad you enjoyed this fic and my style of writing. It means a lot :)

PPS: Of course you can friend. More the merrier :D